eoporto

Various Things I Have Meant When I’ve Typed “xo”

Recent People Facebook Has Reconnected Me With Lately

- Now I know that guy I boned in a conference room likes Bud Lime AND JWOWW.
- That guy I met at a cool event that I couldn’t enjoy because I was in the middle of a paused fight with my ex likes bourbon.
- Wow, that girl that dropped a really awkward “My sister is a teen mom” non-sequitur at a bar once in college just had a baby.
- Um, I didn’t even know I accepted that friend request. Whoops.
- Of course the super hot guy I went to college with is now living in Cali taking headshots of beautiful ladies. 

An incomplete list of things I like

• When the subway switches from local to express.
• Rye, hot water, lemon & a little sugar
• Being called girl by a guy I’d like to be naked with
• Knitting while watching tv
• Tortellini soup
• Patent leather high heels
• Taking cabs over the Brooklyn Bridge

I don’t give a fuck if you [INSERT INANE FEELING HERE] Valentine’s Day

• People who claim they don’t need a commercialized holiday to remind them to treat their loved ones with care and affection are worse than people who don’t even own a television.
• People who claim they don’t want their significant other to make a big deal about it probably cry over every Kay Jewelers commercial and have to schedule sex. 
• People who act like being single is the worst thing that could ever happen except nuclear war will probably be divorced by 2015. 
• People who genuinely enjoy Valentine’s Day are probably school teachers. Or just started dating someone really bendy.

What Bookstore Sections Should Actually Be Called

A very short list of inappropriate crushes I have

1. Chuck Todd
2. Frank Bruni
3. my trainer
4. Brian Willaims’ voice
5. President Obama
6. Michelle Obama

What Baristas Think When You Place Your Order

• You pretend you’re gluten-intolerant
• This is why you’re broke
• Your heart is going to explode in 5-7 years
• Stop pretending you can’t remember it’s called a Tall, I see you everyday fuckface.
• Do you realize that drink is comprised mostly of chemicals and fat would be healthier?
• I would fuck you
• Go fuck yourself
• Totally going to pay for this in coins
• Respectfully, you really shouldn’t have the whipped cream. That drink already has all the calories for the week.

Things I Will Never Understand

• People who smoke but complain they have no money
• Why everyone at the teacher’s union seems to not care at ALL about education children
• Meatloaf - both the food and the man
• People who think being a “regular guy” is a desirable trait in a politician. Seriously, if you are in office, you should be smarter than me.
• Artificial cherry flavor
• Matching Mother/Daughter outfits
• Eating food that requires a fork on the subway
• Why people drink Campari
• Willful Ignorance
• Corn Dogs
• Vanity Plates
• People who have no interest in travelling
• My desire to wear heels despite my inability to wear them for more than 2 hours.

How I Imagine an Interview for the TSA Goes

• Do you like feeling up strangers and getting to snoop?
• Will you most likely let attractive girls get away with anything?
• Do you hate your life?
• Do you pretend you’re not racist?
• Will you do anything for a pension?
• Does seeing people in socks turn you on?
• Do you like cupcakes?
• Do you have an odd body shape destined to look horrendous in our uniform?
• As a child, did you pretend to have x-ray vision?
• Are you a master of inefficiency?
• Do you think that being universally disliked will effect you or do you think you actually having feelings means the terrorists won?

What your gifts actually mean

•  I don’t know anything about you except you have a vagina, here’s a scented candle.
• Since you have a penis, I got you a polo shirt.
• I made you something that tastes bad.
• I sent 100+ texts trying to come up with something nonchalant to give you.
• I like seeing you naked.
• I would like to see you naked.
• I wish I never saw you naked.
• Gift cards are more personal than cash. I hope.
• You picked this out, don’t you dare try to act surprised.
• I bought this because it qualified me for free shipping.
• We work together. Here is a thing.
• I “gifted” you a donation to my favorite charity to prove my superiority.
• My kids probably sneezed on this.
• Buying my friends extravagant gifts makes me forget I’m single.
• This was expensive, I’m sorry I’ve treated you badly the past 364 days.
• Our marriage looks better on paper.
• I actually really care about you and spent a lot of time thinking about this. Neither will matter.
• Your fingers are weirdly fat, I got you a scarf instead.
• I drank a bottle of wine while I was wrapping, I hope this is actually your gift.
• Here are the kind of panties I wish you would wear.