On Self-Awareness.
There’s been a lot of discussion lately about ladies who brand themselves, particularly Lana del Ray and Zooey Deschanel.
The part that is really resonating with me is these same people are essentially using these rants on branding and pop culture to form their very own brand on the Internet. Because, let’s be honest, it’s what we’re all doing here. Sure, I like to pretend that this is all just some magical curation and summation of what makes me awesome; but it’s also the very things I think are a magical curation and summation of what makes me awesome. I’m not showing you the moments when I’ve watched three straight hours of Gilmore Girls episodes I’ve already seen about a thousand times. I’m not telling you when I accidentally snap at someone I care about because I’m overwhelmed at work. I’m not telling you about the times I’m condescending and horrible to a sales clerk who wasn’t being helpful. I do not nice, not smart, not endearing things all the time because I am a real person who makes mistakes and learns things the hard way. There is a big difference between showing you a glimpse into my life and being the person that sees me in tears because a boy was mean to me and then the cab driver told me about his sex life.
We’re not just doing this online either, or at least I’m not. I hate being asked for an embarrassing story. Why the hell would I want to tell you something that I’m embarrassed about? I tell lots of stories that should be embarrassing, but I’ve accepted them and turned them into anecdotes. Truly embarrassing stuff? No thanks, that’s not conversation material. When I feel atrociously unattractive, I will almost immediately say, “Ugh, sorry I’m such a mess.” This is not me looking for a compliment, but more a disclaimer that “Hey, I can do better and know it. Don’t judge me.” Maybe I’m the only one who worries about these things, maybe it’s some island of insecurity that I alone wash up on sometimes, but I doubt it. I have a feeling that these are not at all unique and instead just are horrifyingly ordinary, common thoughts. For me, I have a sneaking suspicion this comes from being too self-aware, which makes me think my brain is a prankster on the Jim Halpert level.
My favorite compliments, the ones that stay with me, are ones I never saw coming because I didn’t even realize them to be true. Sometimes, I feel like I’m always working so hard to be this person I want to be that I forget who I already am. Sometimes I worry I come across more [insert trait here] than I want to be. Sometimes I worry that I’ll never stop wanting to be a better person. Sometimes I worry I’ll become the worst version of myself. Sometimes I worry I will allow society to force me into a niche, to be become a tiny version of myself to fit into some ideal. Worst of all, I worry that I’ll force myself into a niche - plucking away all the parts that don’t fit neatly together so that I feel more ideal.
And that is the very worst part about these attacks on the Zooeys and the Lanas. It starts to feel like you can never win. Here, you have these ladies who have found a way to be successful, to be “ideal” in a way that works for them and then they are criticized for the very things we have encouraged them to become. I guess that’s the lesson - find your own definition of ideal, of success, of happiness and drown out the rest of the increasingly noisy and vocal negativity and try to remember that on the days when it seems fucking impossible.
